2018 brought a lot more challenges than I was prepared for. Some deep heartache. Some feelings of worthlessness, fear, instability, and a whole host of other emotions. A lot of illness and time away from work. And finally a diagnosis that will affect me for the rest of my life and that I am struggling to manage and learn. Many doctor visits trying to get things regulated. Several ER visits because my body seems to be rejecting and refusing a lot of the things that I need. A lot of days in pain. A lot of days crying. A lot of days not knowing if I want to keep fighting.
But 2018 also brought me the greatest blessings of my life. It brought me friends I could’ve never dreamed I would meet. It brought me a church family that showed me love, and what it’s like to have people truly there for you. It brought me my soulmate and the love of my life, and he is more than I could have ever prayed for. It brought me hope. It brought me happiness beyond belief. And it brought my faith stronger and brought me closer to my Savior.
Sometimes we need the bad to appreciate the good. Sometimes we need the bad to knock us out of the place that we’ve been wallowing in or the wrong path that we’ve been walking down. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to wake up and stand back up. 2018 was the year I hit rock bottom, in many ways. But 2018 was also the year that I rose up and learned to begin surrendering. I’m learning how to start loving myself. I’m learning how to start seeing myself through the eyes of God and the eyes of those who love me. I’m learning how to rest. I’m learning how to go a little easier on myself and how I treat myself, physically and otherwise. I’m learning to love deeper, hope harder, and fight fiercer. I am sooooo far from perfect though. I am still jealous. I am still insecure. I am still very hard on myself and the way I think about my body and my worth. And I’m still nowhere near where I want to be in my faith journey. But I am making baby steps of progress, and to me, as long as I keep moving forward—that’s enough. I AM ENOUGH.
One day I’ll believe the amazing things my boyfriend says to me, the wonderful things my church says about me, and the beautiful things my friends say to me. One day. Until then, baby steps. Everything that happened in 2018 led me to right where I am at this moment. Because of that, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I get to be an advocate for those with Addison’s Disease as I learn to navigate it myself. I will have a strong involvement with this community and I will do all I can for them and with them, as they encourage and help me fight as well. This will be the first full year that I spend with the man that I will be with the rest of my life, and it is bringing a lot of changes to come in 2019. Changes that I am elated for, and that I never dreamed possible. I will be focusing on friendships, and really putting my heart and soul into them. Cultivating purposeful friendships with people that I can really do life with and pour love into. I will continue the journey of learning to love myself. Not to compare myself or to wish I looked like this person or had what this person has or that I could be like this person. But to be ME. Genuinely ME. And to know that I am beautiful, and good, and worthy…and deserve to be loved for who I truly am and how I truly look.
I do not do resolutions. Instead, every month I’m going to make and post three goals for that month, and one goal for that year. By the end of the year I will have made and, by the grace of God, have met 36 short-term goals and be well on my way to meeting 12 long-term goals. The monthly goals are something I want to accomplish in that specific month, by the last day. The yearly goals are something that I want to meet by the end of 2019, or have already started investing towards if it’s a longer-term goal. I feel it’s important not to try to bunch everything up for the entire year and put it all on paper right before the clock strikes midnight, simply because of some tradition. Our lives change and grow from year to year, month to month, and sometimes week to week. So by the time we’re done with one month it’s time to reevaluate our goals and our milestones and our focus. I want to do this every month, not just once a year. Tomorrow I will be posting my January goals and my very first yearly goal. I do this for accountability. I do this for others that may have the same goals so that we can encourage and motivate and inspire each other. I do this so that I will constantly see my goals and focus on them daily. Not write them once to feel warm and fuzzy and then tuck them away and go on as I always have.
2019 is a fresh start for me (and YOU) to focus on consistent and permanent change. For me to focus on being confident and fearless and moving forward. God has shown me that he will allow nothing to keep me down, no matter how many times something knocks me down. So I keep trusting in that, just as He brought me my word and verse for 2019, He will bring me my goals and milestones. He will not only bring me to them this year, he will bring me through them. Just as He will do for you. Put your faith in the Lord. Give your heart to Him. He is the one constant, the one that is never failing. May you have a beautiful and blessed and safe New Year’s. And tomorrow, we will talk about our January goals and our first of our 12 yearly goals! Happy 2019!